So after nearly 5-6 years of trying, I finally found a girl worth my time. More than worth my time. She turned my moods around, I was literally extremely optimistic for a few weeks. And then out of nowhere this morning, she needs space. Just when things were going so well, when I felt wanted by someone, just like usual, life does a 180 and bites me right in the ass. I can't believe I was actually happy about something for a moment. I let my guard down for too long and she broke my heart. She doesn't even know if she really has feelings for me. She just felt it would be a good idea to lead me on for weeks and then drop me, promising that if she gets over her insecurities (which we promised to talk about) and that if she finds out what her real feelings are toward me, that we'll get back together eventually.
Last time I heard a story like that, the girl left me and was dating my friend and ignoring me by the next week. I feel like such a jackass. I should have known it was too good to last. I might as well not even exist in the scope of love. Hell, I might as well not exist at all. Not like anyone would want me any more if they found a hole in my head tomorrow morning. I'd be yesterday's news in less than 20 minutes. I just don't get it. What's so wrong with me? I did things perfectly. I took it slow, I did exactly what she wanted me to as a boyfriend, and I enjoyed it all. We had so much fun and now I feel led on. We kissed a lot when we were on dates, she even took me to meet her parents and I let her meet some of my closest friends. And now she doesn't even know if she gives a shit at all about me, out of nowhere and I have a feeling she's not coming back.
Do I not deserve to be happy? What's a guy got to do for a little love? Yeah, sure, family and friends can have love for you, but it's never felt the same as having one person want you to that degree. And it's not fair. I know life's not fair. I understand that entirely. I even point it out in a few of my blog posts. But I mean God Dammit why does all this shit keep falling on me? I know my life's not harder than anyone else's is but too much more of this and it's not going to matter.
I just feel like so much shit today. Did I do something wrong? If I did, why wouldn't she tell me? We promised to talk to each other when there were issues, so what is it now that out of the blue I'm suddenly left out in the cold wondering why she doesn't seem to want me anymore. That's what I get for even thinking for a minute that I might be allowed to be happy about something in my life.
Fuck everything.
