No clever titles

“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”

- William Arthur Ward

I know many people who say they are realists, when in reality they are pessimists. There is a difference, much as I hate to say it. 

You can't claim to be a realist if you can't work with the reality of things. A realist can typically predict what's coming, based on realistic experiences. If you can't work on absorbing the impact of change, then you either didn't see it coming or you didn't work on changing it. A pessimist will always see the bad things before they arrive, and an optimist will always see the positive. Putting forth the effort to alter your situation to best acclimate the arriving change makes you a realist.

I am a pessimist, and have as of late discovered that I have a passive aggressive personality disorder. 

A little love in the wrong places

So after nearly 5-6 years of trying, I finally found a girl worth my time. More than worth my time. She turned my moods around, I was literally extremely optimistic for a few weeks. And then out of nowhere this morning, she needs space. Just when things were going so well, when I felt wanted by someone, just like usual, life does a 180 and bites me right in the ass. I can't believe I was actually happy about something for a moment. I let my guard down for too long and she broke my heart. She doesn't even know if she really has feelings for me. She just felt it would be a good idea to lead me on for weeks and then drop me, promising that if she gets over her insecurities (which we promised to talk about) and that if she finds out what her real feelings are toward me, that we'll get back together eventually.

Last time I heard a story like that, the girl left me and was dating my friend and ignoring me by the next week. I feel like such a jackass. I should have known it was too good to last. I might as well not even exist in the scope of love. Hell, I might as well not exist at all. Not like anyone would want me any more if they found a hole in my head tomorrow morning. I'd be yesterday's news in less than 20 minutes. I just don't get it. What's so wrong with me? I did things perfectly. I took it slow, I did exactly what she wanted me to as a boyfriend, and I enjoyed it all. We had so much fun and now I feel led on. We kissed a lot when we were on dates, she even took me to meet her parents and I let her meet some of my closest friends. And now she doesn't even know if she gives a shit at all about me, out of nowhere and I have a feeling she's not coming back.

Do I not deserve to be happy? What's a guy got to do for a little love? Yeah, sure, family and friends can have love for you, but it's never felt the same as having one person want you to that degree. And it's not fair. I know life's not fair. I understand that entirely. I even point it out in a few of my blog posts. But I mean God Dammit why does all this shit keep falling on me? I know my life's not harder than anyone else's is but too much more of this and it's not going to matter.

I just feel like so much shit today. Did I do something wrong? If I did, why wouldn't she tell me? We promised to talk to each other when there were issues, so what is it now that out of the blue I'm suddenly left out in the cold wondering why she doesn't seem to want me anymore. That's what I get for even thinking for a minute that I might be allowed to be happy about something in my life.

Fuck everything.

Where's the camera?

So I thought about it today. Remember that old Jim Carey flick, "The Truman Show"? If you're too young for this or never saw it, it's a movie about how a company basically owns a baby, and they create a fake world for him to live in, filming his daily life and broadcasting it as a TV show to the rest of the world. They are the architects of his life, of all his fears, personal shortcomings, and faults, as they orchestrate his life the way they want it to appear. Eventually, Truman frees himself but for more details you'll have to watch the movie.

Well I feel lately like it might be nice if someone would walk up to me and say, "Hey, it was all a gag. This isn't really your life, the cameras are over there!"

I just wish I could sink into nothing and disappear. Not like more than two or three people would really miss me or anything. It's been over a year and a half since the last time I held employment. Luckily I got an extension on my unemployment but that won't last forever. I feel like a worthless pile of crap, since I can't find work. I just feel so depressed, I have no idea what I'm going to do, and I don't know where my life is headed. I feel like I have no control over my life, like the only thing I can do is watch, and wait for credits to roll.

Well I'll keep it short tonight, I've been losing sleep so I can't really come up with anything to say more than this.

Have a good one.

EDIT:

You know what? It's always that one fucking person who turns it from a downer night into a bad night.

I usually don't put much stock in what people say and do on the internet, but when it's personal, something a friend should know, I get pissed off.

I made a funny post a minute ago about people not liking me on my friend's status and within minutes several people had already "liked" it. People who know I get depressed, and people who know that I care what they say.

I'm forced to wonder if they'd still like that comment as much if they found out that I was thinking about killing myself, or if somehow they found out tomorrow that I had ended my own life. I really wonder if they'd like it so much then.

Bastards.
Goodnight.

The Road to Happiness

There are many truths in life.
Some are mere philosophical details of everyone's life, generalizations that for the most part only the old or experienced can pinpoint but are always part of our subconscious common knowledge, those little tidbits of information that make you sit and think, "Hey, I totally get that. That is so true."

Others you can only find on those cold mornings smoking cigarettes on an apartment front porch with someone you never knew was a good friend of yours.

For the first time in years, I felt like I was actually standing beside someone, like someone had really taken notice of me and that I existed, like for a moment my own reality coincided with someone else's.

Some of the truths I discovered during this morning were:

You will never be embarrassed by or hate your own unique and uncommon hobbies quite like you will at the front counter of a pawn shop.

You will never love a friend as much as you will when you reminisce about them to someone.

Personal interest is the most common driving force in the world. It is in fact the only driving force in the world. Those who can surpass this have either performed a miraculous feat, are lying to themselves about what they've done, or have fooled everyone else into thinking they've surpassed it. This is not a bad thing.

The world is built on infinite, minuscule evils that we will never comprehend. Our lives depend on these evils. To advance yourself, at some point in life, you will (either by your knowledge or not) be taking an opportunity from someone else.

Know for a fact that NOBODY has a right to tell you that your problems aren't big enough to be depressed about. Your father may be a bad ass and be completely OK with going outside and shooting someone in the head and yet you may not be able to touch a gun. Your problems are your own, and you must deal with them. Once you've overcome them, you learn from them. Anyone who tells you their problems are bigger than yours (or that anyone's are bigger than yours) probably don't have enough to worry about in life or want sympathy for their own issues and are too embarrassed to ask for it. You are you. They are them. Their problems, experiences, and methods of solving problems are theirs and not yours, they may not work for you.

There is ALWAYS someone out there with problems like yours. Keep in mind that you are different people. Don't go looking for a piece for your puzzle in someone else's box, but keep in mind that they might have a piece you don't that they're willing to share.

When the world is perfect, it won't be.

We could sit all night and talk about solving the world's problems but it doesn't mean we can solve the world's problems.

Being lost and depressed is no reason not to strive for something. If you can at least get some work done in the way of moving in ANY direction, be proud. Don't give up. Don't quit. If I can't be there to have your back, SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE WILL. Don't forget that. This person will be there when you don't know they're even around. This is not a motivational statement. This is a fact. You just have to know where to look to find this person, and sometimes you have to know not to look at all.

Talk to people, even when there is no reason. You will never understand the infinite good a random conversation with a stranger can provide until you experience the full force of it. This is not to say that every random conversation will end in something positive, but if you're at rock bottom there's no reason not to give it a shot.

Don't bother holding back. Say what you have to. Say what you need to. Say what you want to. It is your right as a person. If you have something to say to someone, SAY IT. The outcome can only change your situation if you let it. Just remember that your right to speak freely ends where the other guy's fist begins.

Be courteous, but don't be walked on. Be frank, but don't be rude. Be smart, but don't be a know-it-all. Be wise, but don't be a wise-ass. Always ask why, but don't do it to the point of ruining a good conversation.

I don't know who I'm quoting, so forgive me, but, "To be smart is to know a tomato is a fruit. To be wise is not to put it in a fruit salad."

Don't waste time searching for happiness. You won't find it. Happiness finds you, in ways you will never understand, at times you least expect it. It will almost never be the Hollywood fairytale ending, you won't have a miraculous and amazing life, but you WILL learn something, or gain something, even just for a moment. Don't lose it. Ever. Cherish that 5 second moment of slight entertainment or half-hearted amusement. It can make a huge difference in the long run.

Life sucks. It's full to the brim with shitty experiences, bad decisions, and general unhappiness. Sometimes the best thing you can hope for is to settle for being alive. The status quo isn't so bad. At least you're used to it. Keep going on the level you're at until you find a way to advance.

Good conversation and a nice drink could save the world if there wasn't so much to say and too much (or too little) to drink.

Don't give yourself too much credit when something good happens, it will only make things worse when the shit hits the fan.

Don't give yourself too much hell when the shit hits the fan, it will only make the good moments bittersweet.

That's about all for now. You people have a good day.

Christmas

I hate holidays. Holidays only serve to remind some of us how screwed up our lives really are. I can't even go to my family's Christmas get together because of family tension. I know I'm not a Christian myself, but the season is nice, and I used to enjoy seeing everyone. Things were so much simpler for me back then.

Where did I go wrong? At what point did I invite so much anger into my life? I just don't see how I put myself into this situation I'm in. Could I have been a little nicer in life? I know I was far from perfect but it would still have been nice to continue the blissful oblivious streak of my childhood.

I've been looking back at my life and thinking about what's happened to who I was, what made me so angry and depressed. All I can think of is that I just screwed everything up, like maybe I shouldn't have been born. Guess I should have taken the hint when my biological father ditched when I was born.

So now I'm drinking Yeungling by myself. Merry Christmas.

...And the sky was nice.

So I went outside today...

I don't know where I'm going with my life. I don't know what to do. Unemployment is horrible. I feel so unproductive. I send out tons of applications but nothing ever works out.

Today was nice though. Not the best, not the worst. It was just nice. I did something nice for a few friends, played some video games, read some books. I almost forgot I even existed for a while, like I had nothing going on, no problems, no home or life to deal with, it was just nice not to worry about anything.

I've been really sad lately because I have my back problem that limits me, friends that hate me and get tired of me being depressed, and I feel like I'm never going to find the love I want. I think I fantasized too much as a child about how the world would be, so much so that now that I'm grown I'm severely disappointed in life. This time of year is especially sad for me because I always feel unwanted. The same is true of all family/relationship based holidays. People seem do be better off without me.

I wonder sometimes, not if I wasn't here, but if I just kept to myself and left the world alone, if maybe people would be better off. I know it's common to think that everyone would be better off without me, but I've been told that in my case it's actually true.

The funny thing is that I don't think I'm a bad person. I'm generally agreeable, I like to please people, I try to be as nice as I can in my own way. It just seems like my way, like who I am as a person, is just unwanted and unaccepted in the world.

Feeling unloved hurts a lot sometimes. It's like there's a hole in my heart, in my soul, that I can't fill. I just want to love and be loved, to a point that I don't have to say anything to my other for it to be known.

Call me a pervert, or a shallow person, but external beauty matters to me. And I know I'll most likely never date or even marry a beautiful woman who accepts me for who I am or is even close to being like me. But I can dream can't I?

That's kind of a lie, seeing as I mostly have nightmares these days but I thought it was clever.

Anyway. I'm going to play Call of Duty now so catch you all later.

Hold your ground

The earth is a hardened place. The power and beauty of youth are appreciated only by the nostalgic masses who've lost it, or by those who whore the subliminal pedophillia of being forever young. We grit our teeth to survive the existential warzone that life has become. We smile and laugh at the pain of others, without a conscience to hold us accountable. It's not happening to us, so why should we care, right? We should all be ashamed. We don't know what people hide. We don't know how much hurt people swallow everyday, how many lies we tell to ourselves and others so that we can pretend we might fit the societal facade of normalcy. We divide ourselves based on our anger at one another. We break the natural laws of life, and we substitute our own epitome of "Only the Strong survive,".

Some of you don't know how much it hurts to bear your own faults in secret, what it feels like to those of us who, for one reason or another, can't hold our own in life. What's worse, many of you don't care. How calloused of us, as fellow humans, to let our brothers and sisters poison themselves while we critique them on the sidelines, making reality television shows, showcasing their pain and shortcomings. We televise pain. We televise hate and anger and sadness. It gets ratings, and it makes money.

We demoralize ourselves. We justify it. We broadcast the world's hate and take a moral high ground. Do you think about how many people you've hurt? Do the proverbial skeletons in your closet not weigh on your mind? The ghosts that follow us all are ashamed of the world we're allowing to pass.

What's the point of it? There isn't one. We make one up. We are the most perfect creatures on this planet. We aren't at fault, right?

It's time we stopped being angry and separating from one another. The anger won't just go away, and it's going to eat at us until we're dead, and the rest of the world continues on over-top of our graves. We need to start working together. Harness your anger. Instead of focusing on who you're angry at and why, try working with one another because you're all angry. Nothing is going to change if you don't do something. So be angry. Fight. Break down your walls and glass ceilings. But do it together. Let's take a stand for something. Make some of our social martyrs worth something more.

I'm no authority. I have no sway on your minds. More than that, I don't want to. I don't want my words to move you. I don't want my pitiful attempts at moral redemption to be your motivation. I want YOU to move you. I want you all to go out tomorrow and work hard. Be happy about something. Be you, the whole you, and only you. Because you are awesome. You all deserve a hug, a pat on the back, a smile and a handshake once in a while. Someone needs to tell you all that you're doing ok, that it's all going to be ok. You deserve it all and more. We all deserve the right to sleep at night without crying or hurting. Somebody needs to tell you that the nightmares will pass. You deserve all the love in the world. You deserve the simple need to lay down at night and know that someone out here loves you. I do. I love you, though I've never met you. You have my shoulder, should you need one to cry on. You have my hand, should you need one to hold. You have all the light I can muster, should the dark become too much to bear. If there's anything I can do, I won't let the darkness swallow you. Take my hand. We'll get through it together.

So grit your teeth. Walk forward into the dawn, with your head held as high as you can hold it. The darkness in our lives can only be beaten by walking together, hand in hand, forward to a new day.

Write an anonymous letter to someone.

Shake someone's hand.

Start a nice conversation, and don't let your personal views get in the way.

Go as far as you can just to make someone feel good.

Nobody but you knows for sure if you just need a hug once in a while, so go hug someone. Let them vent. Let them be angry. Let them cry and help them be strong. You never know who needs a hand most.

So don't let yourself circle the drain. Don't let anyone you know circle the drain. We're all in this together, and it's time we started fighting for a day we will all be equal. Fight. Even if you're the only one. Fight. Because you will be the only one. Fight. To your dying breath, FIGHT. Hard. I'll stand beside you.

Think what you will of me. I'm a loser. I'm a whiny shit head. I'm an ass hole with no life. Nobody likes me. I'm a complaining bitch and my depressive nature is just another laughing point as you pass me by in life. I don't care what you think. If you can't step off your high horse to see if people like me are ok, to help ensure that I'll see tomorrow too, then you're what's wrong with the world. I'm not as strong as you. And believe me, I'm ashamed of it. But I hold no fault for it, and I don't fault you for feeling like that about me. Some people just won't be as strong as you are, so laugh and walk past. If you never see or hear of me again, you'll know I didn't make it. But remember this: You could have done something. You could have helped me out, and nobody would've known but you and me. You could have given me a smile that may have helped me live another day. And you could have moved on like it never happened. You don't know me. You don't know what I've seen or done or been through. You don't know how I think. And you never will.

The world is a hardened place. Life isn't fair. But that doesn't mean WE have to be the same.