No clever titles

“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”

- William Arthur Ward

I know many people who say they are realists, when in reality they are pessimists. There is a difference, much as I hate to say it. 

You can't claim to be a realist if you can't work with the reality of things. A realist can typically predict what's coming, based on realistic experiences. If you can't work on absorbing the impact of change, then you either didn't see it coming or you didn't work on changing it. A pessimist will always see the bad things before they arrive, and an optimist will always see the positive. Putting forth the effort to alter your situation to best acclimate the arriving change makes you a realist.

I am a pessimist, and have as of late discovered that I have a passive aggressive personality disorder. 

A little love in the wrong places

So after nearly 5-6 years of trying, I finally found a girl worth my time. More than worth my time. She turned my moods around, I was literally extremely optimistic for a few weeks. And then out of nowhere this morning, she needs space. Just when things were going so well, when I felt wanted by someone, just like usual, life does a 180 and bites me right in the ass. I can't believe I was actually happy about something for a moment. I let my guard down for too long and she broke my heart. She doesn't even know if she really has feelings for me. She just felt it would be a good idea to lead me on for weeks and then drop me, promising that if she gets over her insecurities (which we promised to talk about) and that if she finds out what her real feelings are toward me, that we'll get back together eventually.

Last time I heard a story like that, the girl left me and was dating my friend and ignoring me by the next week. I feel like such a jackass. I should have known it was too good to last. I might as well not even exist in the scope of love. Hell, I might as well not exist at all. Not like anyone would want me any more if they found a hole in my head tomorrow morning. I'd be yesterday's news in less than 20 minutes. I just don't get it. What's so wrong with me? I did things perfectly. I took it slow, I did exactly what she wanted me to as a boyfriend, and I enjoyed it all. We had so much fun and now I feel led on. We kissed a lot when we were on dates, she even took me to meet her parents and I let her meet some of my closest friends. And now she doesn't even know if she gives a shit at all about me, out of nowhere and I have a feeling she's not coming back.

Do I not deserve to be happy? What's a guy got to do for a little love? Yeah, sure, family and friends can have love for you, but it's never felt the same as having one person want you to that degree. And it's not fair. I know life's not fair. I understand that entirely. I even point it out in a few of my blog posts. But I mean God Dammit why does all this shit keep falling on me? I know my life's not harder than anyone else's is but too much more of this and it's not going to matter.

I just feel like so much shit today. Did I do something wrong? If I did, why wouldn't she tell me? We promised to talk to each other when there were issues, so what is it now that out of the blue I'm suddenly left out in the cold wondering why she doesn't seem to want me anymore. That's what I get for even thinking for a minute that I might be allowed to be happy about something in my life.

Fuck everything.

Where's the camera?

So I thought about it today. Remember that old Jim Carey flick, "The Truman Show"? If you're too young for this or never saw it, it's a movie about how a company basically owns a baby, and they create a fake world for him to live in, filming his daily life and broadcasting it as a TV show to the rest of the world. They are the architects of his life, of all his fears, personal shortcomings, and faults, as they orchestrate his life the way they want it to appear. Eventually, Truman frees himself but for more details you'll have to watch the movie.

Well I feel lately like it might be nice if someone would walk up to me and say, "Hey, it was all a gag. This isn't really your life, the cameras are over there!"

I just wish I could sink into nothing and disappear. Not like more than two or three people would really miss me or anything. It's been over a year and a half since the last time I held employment. Luckily I got an extension on my unemployment but that won't last forever. I feel like a worthless pile of crap, since I can't find work. I just feel so depressed, I have no idea what I'm going to do, and I don't know where my life is headed. I feel like I have no control over my life, like the only thing I can do is watch, and wait for credits to roll.

Well I'll keep it short tonight, I've been losing sleep so I can't really come up with anything to say more than this.

Have a good one.

EDIT:

You know what? It's always that one fucking person who turns it from a downer night into a bad night.

I usually don't put much stock in what people say and do on the internet, but when it's personal, something a friend should know, I get pissed off.

I made a funny post a minute ago about people not liking me on my friend's status and within minutes several people had already "liked" it. People who know I get depressed, and people who know that I care what they say.

I'm forced to wonder if they'd still like that comment as much if they found out that I was thinking about killing myself, or if somehow they found out tomorrow that I had ended my own life. I really wonder if they'd like it so much then.

Bastards.
Goodnight.