God

Today I was asked by a girl I know (who is VERY Christian) why I'm always so depressed. Upon explaining that I had basically always been this way, and that it's genetic, she began to tell me I should put my trust in God and that my life would be all peachy and awesome if I just had "faith".

I take issue with that particular sentiment. Not because I dislike Christianity (which I do), not because I take issue with the idea of "God" in the religious sense, but because faith never did anything for me. I used to believe that if I was a good little sheep, the proverbial shepherd would take care of me and my life would work itself out. I began to lose faith when I realized that nothing had ever gone better just on faith alone, that I always had to work my ass off to get there. When I was told, "God is testing your faith," I became angry. What kind of all-knowing, all-seeing deity would test someone if he already knew it would make their faith collapse? Isn't that the same as pushing them to do wrong for any reason? It's like telling someone the truth because you know it will upset them. Everyone who's on your side will say you did the right thing. Everyone who's against you will say that you are hurtful and wrong.

According to Christian theology, God created angels and humans and the earth. Now, if God is omnipotent and omnipresent, and he knows all there is or will be, that means he created humans with the knowledge that they would fall. He created angels with the knowledge that some of them would rebel and be cast out, becoming demons. In essence, some people really were created simply to go to hell. God knew that this soul would fail, and that it would go to hell but he created it anyway and then punishes it for doing exactly what he knows it will do.

This is why I'm agnostic. I'm a logical, scientific thinker. If there's no proof, I have no reason to believe in it. Now, there are those who will say that the miracle of life and the coincidences in which mankind came to be had to be divine interference, and who are we to try and disprove it. And, there are those who would say that trying to learn the truth about God is a sin, just because God said so.

I'm going to present you with a hypothetical situation, in which you are told an imaginary character said he exists and that not to believe it is worthy of eternal punishment. Now, imagine that this character, who does not exist, whose only words come from those who tell you he exists, has told you how to live your life and dictates every personal choice man has as either good or bad. So you live your life, now in fear of the imaginary man, who cannot be proven not to exist, because we do not know about everything that does exist and therefore have no way of knowing, has made questioning or learning the truth about his existence a sin. How will you ever know if this man has any actual sway over your life or soul? You aren't allowed to learn about him, you aren't allowed to question, you are just given rules written by people who want you to listen to what they want the world to be.

I'm not saying God doesn't exist, however. I'm simply saying that if God was also as forgiving and fatherly as the Christian world would like to say, he would understand that we have no way of knowing about him and he would accept that we are human and we do what we can with life.

Anyway. I'm off my religious tirade. It's 4 am in Georgia and I'm finally tired enough to sleep.

So much shit to do, so very little time in which to do it. Tomorrow's going to suck.

Fuck...

In the past 36 hours, I've been:
- Rejected for multiple jobs
- Had my driver-side rear view mirror knocked off my car by a drunk at waffle house
- Lightly threatened by his New-York-style accented friend
- Lost an entire night's sleep due to dealing with the cops and the drunk
- Filed an insurance claim that I will have to pay for until the drunk pays for my mirror
- And told that if he doesn't pay, I'll have to appear in court to ask the judge to make him pay for it.

Fuck people.

Finding work

I know this is a blog about my depression, but why can't I find a job? Yes, I'm depressed on my personal time, and I typically dislike most people, but when I'm at a job, it's all business. I'm good with people on a social scale, I'm the hardest worker there is, and I like nothing more than a job well done.

I just can't seem to find work anywhere. Being crippled has severely limited my ability to work anywhere. I have a good friend who has been helping slightly with my depression, but we don't always see eye-to-eye. He believes that all my stress will eventually just disappear, and that eventually everyone comes out of their hole. Well if everyone eventually found a happy ending, why is the unemployment rate so high? What about the suicide rates? Have those people ever found happiness? Nobody knows for sure.

Hell. I'm not even sure I know how to be happy anymore.

Things just feel so hopeless. When is my time? When is it my turn to look at life and feel good for once? What is it about the world that everyone assumes you can just BE happy? I've tried. I used to hide my depression and pretend that everything would be fine eventually. I figured that if I could just tell myself and everyone that I was fine and happy, that I would eventually be fine and happy. It didn't work. Things only got worse.

I just feel like I'm breaking in half. I don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have another friend who used to get angry with me for being depressed, and to this day talks about me behind my back. Does he not know that this world is not so big that I won't find out when he says things like he does about me? But anyway. He used to get on my case about asking my friends when I need help. I have trust issues and it's hard for me to tell people that I can't handle my life. So, here recently, when all my attempts at happiness have failed and my life is circling the drain, I asked him for help on multiple occasions. He has never once pulled through for me. Even for all the times I've come through and helped him in his time of need, he never came through. And, to top it off, he bitches about me behind my back about me asking for help like he told me to.

I don't know how much more I can take. There's so much I need to do, and I can't do any of it if I don't have a job. If I can't get a job soon, I'll be screwed.

What is the point anyway? I'm so far down I can't even muster fake amusement at things I used to at least like. Life will never be easy and I just don't get why I should try. But I can't stop trying, and it only makes me more depressed with every day. I will not end my own life, but God I wish sometimes I could.

First blog

Hello there, whoever you may be.

This is my first blog ever. If you don't like reading about someone being depressed or angry, don't bug me.

I started this blog to help me feel like maybe I was getting something off my chest, even if nobody reads it.

So. Lately I've just been feeling cold for no reason. I feel detached, like I'm not connected to reality. It just feels every day like there's less and less of me alive. I have lost interest in almost everything, and some days I just don't see the point in going on. Suicide, I would like to think, is a little bit below me, but some days I'm not so sure.

So here's a little bit about me to explain it:

I'm 21, a male, and I live in Georgia. I have dealt with clinical depression and a light case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for as long as I can remember, and I don't really follow any of my hobbies anymore.

I have never been popular. I was never a nerd, I was always in good physical shape, and I'm not ugly, but something about me just never clicked with people. The best my ex-therapist could come up with was that I was just, "Too nice."

I joined the military 4 years ago to gain some direction with my life, and after nearly 3 years of work, I was discharged due to a spinal injury that limits my ability to perform normally. After having been stuck on Ft. Sill, Oklahoma for a year, I came home to find that my job fired me for not showing up to work, an impossible feat since I was in Oklahoma with no way to tell them so, my injury limiting my job possibilities, on top of a horrible job market, my parents whom I lived with were divorcing and causing me emotional and physical stress, all my college plans ruined because of the divorce, and currently I'm on my last few weeks of unemployment and my father is kicking me out. Still haven't found a job.

I found out that the few friends I have talk horribly about me behind my back, and that I'm pretty generally hated by most people (for what reason I don't know).

Insomnia isn't helping this situation much either.

I honestly don't know what it's like to be genuinely happy or carefree. I just can't get rid of the little voice in my head that tells me that I'm a failure and that nothing is ever what I might want it to be. I have nothing in my life to look forward to, and if I don't find a job in two months, I'll be homeless AND jobless.

I'm just so sad and angry and afraid of everything and I don't know what I'm going to do. I just need a chance. That's all I've ever needed. But this isn't a time for chances. Not anymore.

Well, I feel a little better about getting it all out in the open for a bit. I'll probably be back on later to be pissed about something more specific.

In the meantime, be good to your friends. Don't be afraid to let them know you care. You never know, someone may need to hear that every once in a while.