First blog

Hello there, whoever you may be.

This is my first blog ever. If you don't like reading about someone being depressed or angry, don't bug me.

I started this blog to help me feel like maybe I was getting something off my chest, even if nobody reads it.

So. Lately I've just been feeling cold for no reason. I feel detached, like I'm not connected to reality. It just feels every day like there's less and less of me alive. I have lost interest in almost everything, and some days I just don't see the point in going on. Suicide, I would like to think, is a little bit below me, but some days I'm not so sure.

So here's a little bit about me to explain it:

I'm 21, a male, and I live in Georgia. I have dealt with clinical depression and a light case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for as long as I can remember, and I don't really follow any of my hobbies anymore.

I have never been popular. I was never a nerd, I was always in good physical shape, and I'm not ugly, but something about me just never clicked with people. The best my ex-therapist could come up with was that I was just, "Too nice."

I joined the military 4 years ago to gain some direction with my life, and after nearly 3 years of work, I was discharged due to a spinal injury that limits my ability to perform normally. After having been stuck on Ft. Sill, Oklahoma for a year, I came home to find that my job fired me for not showing up to work, an impossible feat since I was in Oklahoma with no way to tell them so, my injury limiting my job possibilities, on top of a horrible job market, my parents whom I lived with were divorcing and causing me emotional and physical stress, all my college plans ruined because of the divorce, and currently I'm on my last few weeks of unemployment and my father is kicking me out. Still haven't found a job.

I found out that the few friends I have talk horribly about me behind my back, and that I'm pretty generally hated by most people (for what reason I don't know).

Insomnia isn't helping this situation much either.

I honestly don't know what it's like to be genuinely happy or carefree. I just can't get rid of the little voice in my head that tells me that I'm a failure and that nothing is ever what I might want it to be. I have nothing in my life to look forward to, and if I don't find a job in two months, I'll be homeless AND jobless.

I'm just so sad and angry and afraid of everything and I don't know what I'm going to do. I just need a chance. That's all I've ever needed. But this isn't a time for chances. Not anymore.

Well, I feel a little better about getting it all out in the open for a bit. I'll probably be back on later to be pissed about something more specific.

In the meantime, be good to your friends. Don't be afraid to let them know you care. You never know, someone may need to hear that every once in a while.