Finding work

I know this is a blog about my depression, but why can't I find a job? Yes, I'm depressed on my personal time, and I typically dislike most people, but when I'm at a job, it's all business. I'm good with people on a social scale, I'm the hardest worker there is, and I like nothing more than a job well done.

I just can't seem to find work anywhere. Being crippled has severely limited my ability to work anywhere. I have a good friend who has been helping slightly with my depression, but we don't always see eye-to-eye. He believes that all my stress will eventually just disappear, and that eventually everyone comes out of their hole. Well if everyone eventually found a happy ending, why is the unemployment rate so high? What about the suicide rates? Have those people ever found happiness? Nobody knows for sure.

Hell. I'm not even sure I know how to be happy anymore.

Things just feel so hopeless. When is my time? When is it my turn to look at life and feel good for once? What is it about the world that everyone assumes you can just BE happy? I've tried. I used to hide my depression and pretend that everything would be fine eventually. I figured that if I could just tell myself and everyone that I was fine and happy, that I would eventually be fine and happy. It didn't work. Things only got worse.

I just feel like I'm breaking in half. I don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have another friend who used to get angry with me for being depressed, and to this day talks about me behind my back. Does he not know that this world is not so big that I won't find out when he says things like he does about me? But anyway. He used to get on my case about asking my friends when I need help. I have trust issues and it's hard for me to tell people that I can't handle my life. So, here recently, when all my attempts at happiness have failed and my life is circling the drain, I asked him for help on multiple occasions. He has never once pulled through for me. Even for all the times I've come through and helped him in his time of need, he never came through. And, to top it off, he bitches about me behind my back about me asking for help like he told me to.

I don't know how much more I can take. There's so much I need to do, and I can't do any of it if I don't have a job. If I can't get a job soon, I'll be screwed.

What is the point anyway? I'm so far down I can't even muster fake amusement at things I used to at least like. Life will never be easy and I just don't get why I should try. But I can't stop trying, and it only makes me more depressed with every day. I will not end my own life, but God I wish sometimes I could.