The Road to Happiness

There are many truths in life.
Some are mere philosophical details of everyone's life, generalizations that for the most part only the old or experienced can pinpoint but are always part of our subconscious common knowledge, those little tidbits of information that make you sit and think, "Hey, I totally get that. That is so true."

Others you can only find on those cold mornings smoking cigarettes on an apartment front porch with someone you never knew was a good friend of yours.

For the first time in years, I felt like I was actually standing beside someone, like someone had really taken notice of me and that I existed, like for a moment my own reality coincided with someone else's.

Some of the truths I discovered during this morning were:

You will never be embarrassed by or hate your own unique and uncommon hobbies quite like you will at the front counter of a pawn shop.

You will never love a friend as much as you will when you reminisce about them to someone.

Personal interest is the most common driving force in the world. It is in fact the only driving force in the world. Those who can surpass this have either performed a miraculous feat, are lying to themselves about what they've done, or have fooled everyone else into thinking they've surpassed it. This is not a bad thing.

The world is built on infinite, minuscule evils that we will never comprehend. Our lives depend on these evils. To advance yourself, at some point in life, you will (either by your knowledge or not) be taking an opportunity from someone else.

Know for a fact that NOBODY has a right to tell you that your problems aren't big enough to be depressed about. Your father may be a bad ass and be completely OK with going outside and shooting someone in the head and yet you may not be able to touch a gun. Your problems are your own, and you must deal with them. Once you've overcome them, you learn from them. Anyone who tells you their problems are bigger than yours (or that anyone's are bigger than yours) probably don't have enough to worry about in life or want sympathy for their own issues and are too embarrassed to ask for it. You are you. They are them. Their problems, experiences, and methods of solving problems are theirs and not yours, they may not work for you.

There is ALWAYS someone out there with problems like yours. Keep in mind that you are different people. Don't go looking for a piece for your puzzle in someone else's box, but keep in mind that they might have a piece you don't that they're willing to share.

When the world is perfect, it won't be.

We could sit all night and talk about solving the world's problems but it doesn't mean we can solve the world's problems.

Being lost and depressed is no reason not to strive for something. If you can at least get some work done in the way of moving in ANY direction, be proud. Don't give up. Don't quit. If I can't be there to have your back, SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE WILL. Don't forget that. This person will be there when you don't know they're even around. This is not a motivational statement. This is a fact. You just have to know where to look to find this person, and sometimes you have to know not to look at all.

Talk to people, even when there is no reason. You will never understand the infinite good a random conversation with a stranger can provide until you experience the full force of it. This is not to say that every random conversation will end in something positive, but if you're at rock bottom there's no reason not to give it a shot.

Don't bother holding back. Say what you have to. Say what you need to. Say what you want to. It is your right as a person. If you have something to say to someone, SAY IT. The outcome can only change your situation if you let it. Just remember that your right to speak freely ends where the other guy's fist begins.

Be courteous, but don't be walked on. Be frank, but don't be rude. Be smart, but don't be a know-it-all. Be wise, but don't be a wise-ass. Always ask why, but don't do it to the point of ruining a good conversation.

I don't know who I'm quoting, so forgive me, but, "To be smart is to know a tomato is a fruit. To be wise is not to put it in a fruit salad."

Don't waste time searching for happiness. You won't find it. Happiness finds you, in ways you will never understand, at times you least expect it. It will almost never be the Hollywood fairytale ending, you won't have a miraculous and amazing life, but you WILL learn something, or gain something, even just for a moment. Don't lose it. Ever. Cherish that 5 second moment of slight entertainment or half-hearted amusement. It can make a huge difference in the long run.

Life sucks. It's full to the brim with shitty experiences, bad decisions, and general unhappiness. Sometimes the best thing you can hope for is to settle for being alive. The status quo isn't so bad. At least you're used to it. Keep going on the level you're at until you find a way to advance.

Good conversation and a nice drink could save the world if there wasn't so much to say and too much (or too little) to drink.

Don't give yourself too much credit when something good happens, it will only make things worse when the shit hits the fan.

Don't give yourself too much hell when the shit hits the fan, it will only make the good moments bittersweet.

That's about all for now. You people have a good day.

Christmas

I hate holidays. Holidays only serve to remind some of us how screwed up our lives really are. I can't even go to my family's Christmas get together because of family tension. I know I'm not a Christian myself, but the season is nice, and I used to enjoy seeing everyone. Things were so much simpler for me back then.

Where did I go wrong? At what point did I invite so much anger into my life? I just don't see how I put myself into this situation I'm in. Could I have been a little nicer in life? I know I was far from perfect but it would still have been nice to continue the blissful oblivious streak of my childhood.

I've been looking back at my life and thinking about what's happened to who I was, what made me so angry and depressed. All I can think of is that I just screwed everything up, like maybe I shouldn't have been born. Guess I should have taken the hint when my biological father ditched when I was born.

So now I'm drinking Yeungling by myself. Merry Christmas.

...And the sky was nice.

So I went outside today...

I don't know where I'm going with my life. I don't know what to do. Unemployment is horrible. I feel so unproductive. I send out tons of applications but nothing ever works out.

Today was nice though. Not the best, not the worst. It was just nice. I did something nice for a few friends, played some video games, read some books. I almost forgot I even existed for a while, like I had nothing going on, no problems, no home or life to deal with, it was just nice not to worry about anything.

I've been really sad lately because I have my back problem that limits me, friends that hate me and get tired of me being depressed, and I feel like I'm never going to find the love I want. I think I fantasized too much as a child about how the world would be, so much so that now that I'm grown I'm severely disappointed in life. This time of year is especially sad for me because I always feel unwanted. The same is true of all family/relationship based holidays. People seem do be better off without me.

I wonder sometimes, not if I wasn't here, but if I just kept to myself and left the world alone, if maybe people would be better off. I know it's common to think that everyone would be better off without me, but I've been told that in my case it's actually true.

The funny thing is that I don't think I'm a bad person. I'm generally agreeable, I like to please people, I try to be as nice as I can in my own way. It just seems like my way, like who I am as a person, is just unwanted and unaccepted in the world.

Feeling unloved hurts a lot sometimes. It's like there's a hole in my heart, in my soul, that I can't fill. I just want to love and be loved, to a point that I don't have to say anything to my other for it to be known.

Call me a pervert, or a shallow person, but external beauty matters to me. And I know I'll most likely never date or even marry a beautiful woman who accepts me for who I am or is even close to being like me. But I can dream can't I?

That's kind of a lie, seeing as I mostly have nightmares these days but I thought it was clever.

Anyway. I'm going to play Call of Duty now so catch you all later.

Hold your ground

The earth is a hardened place. The power and beauty of youth are appreciated only by the nostalgic masses who've lost it, or by those who whore the subliminal pedophillia of being forever young. We grit our teeth to survive the existential warzone that life has become. We smile and laugh at the pain of others, without a conscience to hold us accountable. It's not happening to us, so why should we care, right? We should all be ashamed. We don't know what people hide. We don't know how much hurt people swallow everyday, how many lies we tell to ourselves and others so that we can pretend we might fit the societal facade of normalcy. We divide ourselves based on our anger at one another. We break the natural laws of life, and we substitute our own epitome of "Only the Strong survive,".

Some of you don't know how much it hurts to bear your own faults in secret, what it feels like to those of us who, for one reason or another, can't hold our own in life. What's worse, many of you don't care. How calloused of us, as fellow humans, to let our brothers and sisters poison themselves while we critique them on the sidelines, making reality television shows, showcasing their pain and shortcomings. We televise pain. We televise hate and anger and sadness. It gets ratings, and it makes money.

We demoralize ourselves. We justify it. We broadcast the world's hate and take a moral high ground. Do you think about how many people you've hurt? Do the proverbial skeletons in your closet not weigh on your mind? The ghosts that follow us all are ashamed of the world we're allowing to pass.

What's the point of it? There isn't one. We make one up. We are the most perfect creatures on this planet. We aren't at fault, right?

It's time we stopped being angry and separating from one another. The anger won't just go away, and it's going to eat at us until we're dead, and the rest of the world continues on over-top of our graves. We need to start working together. Harness your anger. Instead of focusing on who you're angry at and why, try working with one another because you're all angry. Nothing is going to change if you don't do something. So be angry. Fight. Break down your walls and glass ceilings. But do it together. Let's take a stand for something. Make some of our social martyrs worth something more.

I'm no authority. I have no sway on your minds. More than that, I don't want to. I don't want my words to move you. I don't want my pitiful attempts at moral redemption to be your motivation. I want YOU to move you. I want you all to go out tomorrow and work hard. Be happy about something. Be you, the whole you, and only you. Because you are awesome. You all deserve a hug, a pat on the back, a smile and a handshake once in a while. Someone needs to tell you all that you're doing ok, that it's all going to be ok. You deserve it all and more. We all deserve the right to sleep at night without crying or hurting. Somebody needs to tell you that the nightmares will pass. You deserve all the love in the world. You deserve the simple need to lay down at night and know that someone out here loves you. I do. I love you, though I've never met you. You have my shoulder, should you need one to cry on. You have my hand, should you need one to hold. You have all the light I can muster, should the dark become too much to bear. If there's anything I can do, I won't let the darkness swallow you. Take my hand. We'll get through it together.

So grit your teeth. Walk forward into the dawn, with your head held as high as you can hold it. The darkness in our lives can only be beaten by walking together, hand in hand, forward to a new day.

Write an anonymous letter to someone.

Shake someone's hand.

Start a nice conversation, and don't let your personal views get in the way.

Go as far as you can just to make someone feel good.

Nobody but you knows for sure if you just need a hug once in a while, so go hug someone. Let them vent. Let them be angry. Let them cry and help them be strong. You never know who needs a hand most.

So don't let yourself circle the drain. Don't let anyone you know circle the drain. We're all in this together, and it's time we started fighting for a day we will all be equal. Fight. Even if you're the only one. Fight. Because you will be the only one. Fight. To your dying breath, FIGHT. Hard. I'll stand beside you.

Think what you will of me. I'm a loser. I'm a whiny shit head. I'm an ass hole with no life. Nobody likes me. I'm a complaining bitch and my depressive nature is just another laughing point as you pass me by in life. I don't care what you think. If you can't step off your high horse to see if people like me are ok, to help ensure that I'll see tomorrow too, then you're what's wrong with the world. I'm not as strong as you. And believe me, I'm ashamed of it. But I hold no fault for it, and I don't fault you for feeling like that about me. Some people just won't be as strong as you are, so laugh and walk past. If you never see or hear of me again, you'll know I didn't make it. But remember this: You could have done something. You could have helped me out, and nobody would've known but you and me. You could have given me a smile that may have helped me live another day. And you could have moved on like it never happened. You don't know me. You don't know what I've seen or done or been through. You don't know how I think. And you never will.

The world is a hardened place. Life isn't fair. But that doesn't mean WE have to be the same.

God

Today I was asked by a girl I know (who is VERY Christian) why I'm always so depressed. Upon explaining that I had basically always been this way, and that it's genetic, she began to tell me I should put my trust in God and that my life would be all peachy and awesome if I just had "faith".

I take issue with that particular sentiment. Not because I dislike Christianity (which I do), not because I take issue with the idea of "God" in the religious sense, but because faith never did anything for me. I used to believe that if I was a good little sheep, the proverbial shepherd would take care of me and my life would work itself out. I began to lose faith when I realized that nothing had ever gone better just on faith alone, that I always had to work my ass off to get there. When I was told, "God is testing your faith," I became angry. What kind of all-knowing, all-seeing deity would test someone if he already knew it would make their faith collapse? Isn't that the same as pushing them to do wrong for any reason? It's like telling someone the truth because you know it will upset them. Everyone who's on your side will say you did the right thing. Everyone who's against you will say that you are hurtful and wrong.

According to Christian theology, God created angels and humans and the earth. Now, if God is omnipotent and omnipresent, and he knows all there is or will be, that means he created humans with the knowledge that they would fall. He created angels with the knowledge that some of them would rebel and be cast out, becoming demons. In essence, some people really were created simply to go to hell. God knew that this soul would fail, and that it would go to hell but he created it anyway and then punishes it for doing exactly what he knows it will do.

This is why I'm agnostic. I'm a logical, scientific thinker. If there's no proof, I have no reason to believe in it. Now, there are those who will say that the miracle of life and the coincidences in which mankind came to be had to be divine interference, and who are we to try and disprove it. And, there are those who would say that trying to learn the truth about God is a sin, just because God said so.

I'm going to present you with a hypothetical situation, in which you are told an imaginary character said he exists and that not to believe it is worthy of eternal punishment. Now, imagine that this character, who does not exist, whose only words come from those who tell you he exists, has told you how to live your life and dictates every personal choice man has as either good or bad. So you live your life, now in fear of the imaginary man, who cannot be proven not to exist, because we do not know about everything that does exist and therefore have no way of knowing, has made questioning or learning the truth about his existence a sin. How will you ever know if this man has any actual sway over your life or soul? You aren't allowed to learn about him, you aren't allowed to question, you are just given rules written by people who want you to listen to what they want the world to be.

I'm not saying God doesn't exist, however. I'm simply saying that if God was also as forgiving and fatherly as the Christian world would like to say, he would understand that we have no way of knowing about him and he would accept that we are human and we do what we can with life.

Anyway. I'm off my religious tirade. It's 4 am in Georgia and I'm finally tired enough to sleep.

So much shit to do, so very little time in which to do it. Tomorrow's going to suck.

Fuck...

In the past 36 hours, I've been:
- Rejected for multiple jobs
- Had my driver-side rear view mirror knocked off my car by a drunk at waffle house
- Lightly threatened by his New-York-style accented friend
- Lost an entire night's sleep due to dealing with the cops and the drunk
- Filed an insurance claim that I will have to pay for until the drunk pays for my mirror
- And told that if he doesn't pay, I'll have to appear in court to ask the judge to make him pay for it.

Fuck people.

Finding work

I know this is a blog about my depression, but why can't I find a job? Yes, I'm depressed on my personal time, and I typically dislike most people, but when I'm at a job, it's all business. I'm good with people on a social scale, I'm the hardest worker there is, and I like nothing more than a job well done.

I just can't seem to find work anywhere. Being crippled has severely limited my ability to work anywhere. I have a good friend who has been helping slightly with my depression, but we don't always see eye-to-eye. He believes that all my stress will eventually just disappear, and that eventually everyone comes out of their hole. Well if everyone eventually found a happy ending, why is the unemployment rate so high? What about the suicide rates? Have those people ever found happiness? Nobody knows for sure.

Hell. I'm not even sure I know how to be happy anymore.

Things just feel so hopeless. When is my time? When is it my turn to look at life and feel good for once? What is it about the world that everyone assumes you can just BE happy? I've tried. I used to hide my depression and pretend that everything would be fine eventually. I figured that if I could just tell myself and everyone that I was fine and happy, that I would eventually be fine and happy. It didn't work. Things only got worse.

I just feel like I'm breaking in half. I don't know where to turn or what to do.

I have another friend who used to get angry with me for being depressed, and to this day talks about me behind my back. Does he not know that this world is not so big that I won't find out when he says things like he does about me? But anyway. He used to get on my case about asking my friends when I need help. I have trust issues and it's hard for me to tell people that I can't handle my life. So, here recently, when all my attempts at happiness have failed and my life is circling the drain, I asked him for help on multiple occasions. He has never once pulled through for me. Even for all the times I've come through and helped him in his time of need, he never came through. And, to top it off, he bitches about me behind my back about me asking for help like he told me to.

I don't know how much more I can take. There's so much I need to do, and I can't do any of it if I don't have a job. If I can't get a job soon, I'll be screwed.

What is the point anyway? I'm so far down I can't even muster fake amusement at things I used to at least like. Life will never be easy and I just don't get why I should try. But I can't stop trying, and it only makes me more depressed with every day. I will not end my own life, but God I wish sometimes I could.

First blog

Hello there, whoever you may be.

This is my first blog ever. If you don't like reading about someone being depressed or angry, don't bug me.

I started this blog to help me feel like maybe I was getting something off my chest, even if nobody reads it.

So. Lately I've just been feeling cold for no reason. I feel detached, like I'm not connected to reality. It just feels every day like there's less and less of me alive. I have lost interest in almost everything, and some days I just don't see the point in going on. Suicide, I would like to think, is a little bit below me, but some days I'm not so sure.

So here's a little bit about me to explain it:

I'm 21, a male, and I live in Georgia. I have dealt with clinical depression and a light case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for as long as I can remember, and I don't really follow any of my hobbies anymore.

I have never been popular. I was never a nerd, I was always in good physical shape, and I'm not ugly, but something about me just never clicked with people. The best my ex-therapist could come up with was that I was just, "Too nice."

I joined the military 4 years ago to gain some direction with my life, and after nearly 3 years of work, I was discharged due to a spinal injury that limits my ability to perform normally. After having been stuck on Ft. Sill, Oklahoma for a year, I came home to find that my job fired me for not showing up to work, an impossible feat since I was in Oklahoma with no way to tell them so, my injury limiting my job possibilities, on top of a horrible job market, my parents whom I lived with were divorcing and causing me emotional and physical stress, all my college plans ruined because of the divorce, and currently I'm on my last few weeks of unemployment and my father is kicking me out. Still haven't found a job.

I found out that the few friends I have talk horribly about me behind my back, and that I'm pretty generally hated by most people (for what reason I don't know).

Insomnia isn't helping this situation much either.

I honestly don't know what it's like to be genuinely happy or carefree. I just can't get rid of the little voice in my head that tells me that I'm a failure and that nothing is ever what I might want it to be. I have nothing in my life to look forward to, and if I don't find a job in two months, I'll be homeless AND jobless.

I'm just so sad and angry and afraid of everything and I don't know what I'm going to do. I just need a chance. That's all I've ever needed. But this isn't a time for chances. Not anymore.

Well, I feel a little better about getting it all out in the open for a bit. I'll probably be back on later to be pissed about something more specific.

In the meantime, be good to your friends. Don't be afraid to let them know you care. You never know, someone may need to hear that every once in a while.