...And the sky was nice.

So I went outside today...

I don't know where I'm going with my life. I don't know what to do. Unemployment is horrible. I feel so unproductive. I send out tons of applications but nothing ever works out.

Today was nice though. Not the best, not the worst. It was just nice. I did something nice for a few friends, played some video games, read some books. I almost forgot I even existed for a while, like I had nothing going on, no problems, no home or life to deal with, it was just nice not to worry about anything.

I've been really sad lately because I have my back problem that limits me, friends that hate me and get tired of me being depressed, and I feel like I'm never going to find the love I want. I think I fantasized too much as a child about how the world would be, so much so that now that I'm grown I'm severely disappointed in life. This time of year is especially sad for me because I always feel unwanted. The same is true of all family/relationship based holidays. People seem do be better off without me.

I wonder sometimes, not if I wasn't here, but if I just kept to myself and left the world alone, if maybe people would be better off. I know it's common to think that everyone would be better off without me, but I've been told that in my case it's actually true.

The funny thing is that I don't think I'm a bad person. I'm generally agreeable, I like to please people, I try to be as nice as I can in my own way. It just seems like my way, like who I am as a person, is just unwanted and unaccepted in the world.

Feeling unloved hurts a lot sometimes. It's like there's a hole in my heart, in my soul, that I can't fill. I just want to love and be loved, to a point that I don't have to say anything to my other for it to be known.

Call me a pervert, or a shallow person, but external beauty matters to me. And I know I'll most likely never date or even marry a beautiful woman who accepts me for who I am or is even close to being like me. But I can dream can't I?

That's kind of a lie, seeing as I mostly have nightmares these days but I thought it was clever.

Anyway. I'm going to play Call of Duty now so catch you all later.